A Full Metal Panic Christmas!
by Soviet Dilbertman
Summary: Sousuke tries to understand Christmas a bit better, and ends up making one thing he always does with holidays: CHAOS!


**Oh, joy! Christmas + FMP = FMP Christmas! Enjoy this fic to get you into that holiday spirit!**

* * *

It was a crisp fall day; as the leaves were falling, the wind was blowing smoothly and the sun was barely shining. Sousuke looked outside, staring at Bonta-kun playing with his new best friend, a fat orange cat. Kaname didn't look, as she was whopping a ton of phone calls to friends about a Christmas school play. After grisly hours of calling a ton of friends and family members, Kaname relaxed and looked at the Arm Slave made bear and his best friend playing.

Bonta-Kun made tons of noises with his feline pal. "Fumoffu! Fumoffu! Fumoffu!"

"Isn't it cute, Sousuke?" Kaname playfully said. Sousuke nodded in agreement.

"Affirmative," he said in his sergeant tone. "Also, Miss Chidori – " Kaname's ears perked up.

"What were you saying about some play?" Kaname sighed, she hated explaining holidays to Sousuke. He misunderstood Halloween, Thanksgiving and even Christmas. He ended up blowing up the candy and made children go home in tears, demolished the Thanksgiving turkey and then the hardest part of the holiday explaining: Christmas.

What's next, Kaname thought. Him blowing up the Christmas tree? Santa's going to put him on the naughty list if he did that.

Kaname gulped. "Okay Sousuke, Christmas is a holly jolly time of the year. Do good deeds to be on Santa's nice list, and you get lots of presents." Sousuke raised an eyebrow.

"Santa who?" Sousuke said confused. Kaname growled.

"Santa. Santa Claus."

"Huh?"

"You know, Kris Kringle?"

"You mean...Santa is a terrorist?"

"NO, NO! SANTA IS NOT A TERRORIST OR GAURON IN DISGUISE!"

"Oh." Kaname's eyes slumped. Sousuke had his eyebrow still raised up like he was a very confused person.

"So in conclusion, Miss Chidori, Kris Kringle is not a terrorist?" Sousuke replied. Kaname sighed.

"Yes Sousuke, Santa Claus is not Gauron in a disguise," Kaname said and closed her eyes. Meanwhile on the roof, Gauron, disguised as Santa Claus, whom had a pissed look on his face, alongside with a mellow bizarre looking elf.

"Damn Kaname! Spoiling us all for on a friggin holiday," Gauron growled. The elf had a look of confusion.

"You mean Kashim?" The elf corrected. Gauron pulled out a Desert Eagle and pointed at the elf's nose and prepared to pull the trigger.

"I stand corrected."

BLANG! Kaname and Sousuke heard a gunshot and a dwarf slid down the window in elf clothing, covering the glass with blood.

"Help...me..." the elf groaned. The two teenagers had their eyes open.

"DON'T CORRECT ME, YOU DUMBASS!" Gauron yelled out and he flew away in Santa's sleigh.

"Okay...I think it's time to go to bed..." Kaname shuddered and ran upstairs. Sousuke sighed and walked outside.

"C'mon Bonta-Kun, lets get back to the safe house," Sousuke said and walked downstairs. Bonta-Kun laid the cat down and marched off, waving at the cat.

"Mroooowwwww."

**

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**

Two days later: December 19, 2010

The Christmas play was decided. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer was the best choice, as several teachers and students loved the story and the film itself. Originally contained in the United States, it was adapted into tons of theater adaptations until Jindai did the same thing as well. Everyone was reading their scripts for their parts: Shinji was Hermey, Kaname was Clarice, Kyoko was Ms. Claus, Issei was Yukon Cornelius, and Sousuke had the biggest and most embarrassing part yet – Rudolph. Several other students auditioned as well for several roles. Everyone is sitting on their butts, reading over their scripts.

"Hmmmm...I wish we could add a nice little arm slave to this scene..." Shinji said, his imagination getting carried away.

"NO ARM SLAVES! THAT'S FINAL!" Kaname yelled out. Shinji frowned and kept reading his script.

"I keep making good ideas and they get ruined," Shinji muttered.

* * *

2 hours later, everyone was out of school.

"So Sousuke, please tell me you didn't set up bombs in the musical instruments this time," Kaname said. "I'll be PISSED if you do that."

Sousuke raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

Kaname had a look of annoyance on her face. "Remember last time?" That was a HORRIBLE time for a thanksgiving play, as everything blew up into bits. Kyoko's camera, the set, musical instruments, costumes and even all of the props. Sousuke got into serious trouble and got a 3-day detention and Kaname had to pardon herself from this embarrassment and tried to keep it personal. After 10 more minutes, they soon arrived at Kaname's apartment.

"Well, goodbye Miss Chidori," Sousuke said and waved to Kaname as she opened the door to her apartment and shut the door. Just then, Sousuke's communicator started blurting out a voice.

"Yo, Sousuke – hey, dude! Come in!" Sousuke pulled out the communicator and started talking.

"Yes, Kurz?"

"HI-YO! We need you at the base, quick!" Sousuke's eyes opened in fright.

"Wh-what's happening?" Sousuke asked.

"Melissa's going to blow up Kris &^%$# Kringle's sleigh!" Kurz yelled out and started laughing.

Sousuke raised an eyebrow. "Isn't that supposed to put you on the nice list?"

"Actually, it's Gauron who disguised himself as Santa Claus, so we are going to gun down his decoy sleigh!" Kurz exclaimed. Sousuke had a faint smirk on his lips.

"I'll be there in 0200 hours," Sousuke said and put the communicator back in his pocket. Kurz started joyfully yelling.

"YEEEEAAAAAAHHHH, BUDDY!"

**

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**

A day later: December 20, 2010

After a successful attack on Gauron, who disguised himself as Santa Claus because he hates Christmas and he wanted to kill children with bombs and poison, and then he got some serious jail time. Everyone celebrated and got drunk, except for Sousuke. Today was the play, and it was supposed to begin at 7:30 pm. Everyone was there, even Sousuke, dressed up as their respective characters.

"HAHAHAHAH! SOUSUKE AS A &^^%##! REINDEER!" Issei teased.

"Shut up Issei, his role is pivotal to the play," Kaname said.

Issei grinned. "Whatever, your best pal owes me 200 yen." Kyoko's eyes opened.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in the back seat...**

"Why are we at this crapfest?" Melissa muttered, who looked bored. Kurz winked at her, who looks like he was going to make out with her. Tessa was jumping on her seat in excitement.

"I can't wait to see Sousuke's part! I hope it's a reindeer!" Tessa said and started jumping on her seat more higher.

"Captain's on a sugar rush," Kurz said and laughed. "Anyway, sis, can I give you a kiss?"

"OH, HELL NO!" Kurz's smile now had a fat frown on his face.

"Jesus, no wonder why you have no Christmas spirit at all."

Melissa raised her fist. "Shut the %$# up and enjoy the play, eh?"

"Okay, okay," Kurz said and laid back.

* * *

**Twenty minutes into the play...**

"DON'T STAND THERE!" yelled out a voice. Sousuke and Shinji looked and saw Issei, dressed up as Yukon Cornelius.

"You'll get frostbitten that way!" Issei said, looking at the two.

"Uhhhh...we're hiding from that Bumble monster..." Shinji stammered. Sousuke nodded in agreement.

"Affirmative, Bumble monster will be here and now! ATTACK!" Sousuke yelled out and saw another student dressed up as the bumble. Soon beeping noises filled the auditorium's stage.

"Is that a bomb?" Kaname said, looking at Kyoko.

"I think so, Chidori-san."

"SOUSUKE, YOU STUPID – " The bomb soon detonated, filling up the room with smoke and fire. Everyone was screaming except Kurz and Melissa, eyes open.

"That was unexpected, sis," Kurz said in a shocked manner. Melissa looked at a sobbing Tessa, thinking Sousuke is dead.

"That captain is a bit sensitive, eh sis?" Kurz said and grinned.

"Shut up, Kurz. I didn't ask a frickin' question," Melissa said and crossed her arms.

**

* * *

10 minutes later...**

Fire and emergency crews were replenishing the burning wreckage of the stage. Kaname was berating Sousuke for being such an idiot.

"YOU DUMBASS – HOW CAN YOU BE SO ^%$#!$ STUPID?" Kaname yelled out.

"FIRST, THE CANDY, THEN THE TURKEY, AND THEN THIS! I HATE YOU SOUSUKE! GO ROT IN HELL FOR ALL I CARE!" Sousuke angrily frowned and then tossed his costume on the floor, and looked at Kaname.

"I will no longer bother you, Miss Chidori. Good day," Sousuke said and walked off. Kaname frowned in remorse; she didn't mean to hurt his feelings.

"Why berate him for such an accident?" Kyoko said. Kaname tried to hold back tears, feeling heartbroken and being such a idiot. Tessa, Kurz and Melissa were looking at Kaname, not saying a word.

"OH, I JUST WANNA TO SMACK MYSELF WITH MY HAIRSEN FOR THIS! I DIDN'T MEAN TO! IT WAS ALL MY FAULT! I SHOULD'VE NEVER YELLED AT HIM! GOD, I WANNA KILL MYSEL-" before Kaname can form more words, Tessa slapped her.

"Relax, Kaname. You just blamed him for an accident. Why screech at him anyway?" Tessa asked.

"Oh, I blamed him for destroying the candy on Halloween, demolishing the turkey, and then the auditorium's stage!" Kaname yelled out and grabbed out her hairisen and began wiping her eyes with it.

"Don't wipe your tears with your hairisen, Chidori-san," Kyoko said.

* * *

Sousuke looked at the big Christmas tree in the streets of Tokyo, pondering over what he did and why.

"So, this tree is to represent Christmas?" Sousuke observed, trying to remember the holiday Kaname explained to him, but the blue haired girl ran up to the teenage sergeant and kneeled.

"I-I'm s-sorry s-Sousuke..." Kaname said, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I didn't mean what I said to you..." Sousuke walked up to Kaname and crouched.

"Chidori, I apologize for my actions at the school play. I was trying to make sure the Bumble monster didn't try to kill you."

"W-what do you mean?"

"That creature could've been a terrorist in disguise."

"But it was just a student."

"I see, Miss Chidori." Sousuke lifted up Kaname and held her by the shoulders, wiping Kaname's tears away.

"So, Chidori, do we accept our apologies or no?" Sousuke asked.

"I guess so."

"Good." But all of a sudden, they were pressing their lips together and started kissing. Tessa, Kyoko, Kurz and Melissa ran up to the two, and had mixed emotions. Tessa felt happy for the two, Kurz invited Melissa over for a kiss, but she declined and Kyoko took a picture. Kaname and Sousuke stopped kissing all of a sudden.

"That was freakingly awesome!" Kurz said. Tessa smiled and decided to call her troops for a evac back to Merida Island.

"Okay gang, we'll have a nice Christmas dinner and unwrap presents! How does that sound?" Tessa said, making everyone jump in happiness.

**

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**

**At Christmas eve...**

"Such a Christmas dinner," one soldier said before bleching.

"Yep, dude..." Kurz said, patting his stomach. Everyone was consuming food and water on the lovely holiday. The feast consisted of roast beast, rice, pumpkin pie, dumplings and bread. After the meal, everyone sat down and started all of their eve gifts Tessa got for them and saved the others for tomorrow. Sousuke got some new clothing, Kaname was given a brand new clock, Kurz got a DVD on how to get women, Tessa got some new lingerie, Kyoko was given new camera film, and Melissa got herself a bag of coal.

"The coal's bull$#&!" Melissa yelled out.

"Whatever, sis," Kurz said and hugged the DVD. After all of that gift wrapping, they soon went to bed. Tessa carefully laid some baked cookies and eggnog on a table and then placed a note near the food Santa will have. Tessa then heads upstairs and, as it says on the note,

_**Dear Santa,**_

_**Here are those cookies and eggnog you want. Everyone thinks it may seem childish, but it's not in my opinion!**_

_**Love, Tessa**_

_**Hito deshita**_

THE END!

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**Phew...that was another of my long fics...now what is next on the list? Oh god...NOOOO! SOUSUKE IS BLOWING UP THE VALENTINES DAY CAKE!**


End file.
